These past few months have been difficult for me, being so far away while Frank was in hospital and not being able to be with Mum when he passed away. I know the grieving process is not the same for everyone, but I wanted to share some of my feelings during this difficult time in the hope it may help someone else. Communication for me has been the key to getting through this and sharing experiences with people who have been through the same thing has been the best way of trying to cope with all the emotional pain.
When we first learned of Frank's prostrate cancer, I think I was in denial for a long time. I had read information on the internet about this type of cancer, and the prognosis was good. Being here in Chile meant that some days I could escape from the reality. It wasn't until Frank was hospitalised and put into ICU that the stage of my grief changed. Unfortunately Frank developed an infection and in this time the cancer became aggressive. It suddenly hit me that this was very real and it did not look good.
During his few months of hopsitalisation I was in bits. Frank did not deserve this. I was crying most days, not just for Frank, but also for my Mum. To think of my Mum watching her soul mate deteriorate was the worst feeling ever. So I was not just grieving for Frank, but also grieving for Mum's situation. Luckily I had Mauricio who was a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen to me, and he answered all my questions. Mauricio's Father and Brother in Law also passed from cancer. He responded to all my questions, no matter how personal they were and he dried all my tears. Although this helped me immensely by getting all my feelings out, Mauricio told me that I had to go through this grieving process and nothing would stop that. I was not sure I was strong enough to face this roller coaster of emotions. But I was not alone. I had periods of feeling anger, why was this happening? I was not ready for Frank to go yet. I also felt periods of guilt for not being there with my family to support them at this time.
When it was decided that Frank was moved to hospice, I felt a sense of relief. At this stage I also felt deeply sad because I knew Frank was very poorly and his time was now limited. The care in hospice is known to be amazing and the Macmillan nurses were a Godsend. While I looked at their website and saw where Frank would be staying, I just said to myself: "God, those people are angels." To be able to care for another human being in their final days, making their passing to the next life as dignified as possible is awe inspiring. What a precious thing to do for someone. Frank was finally transferred home. He was weak and was asleep a lot of the time. I phoned Mum as much as I could to let her know I was there and praying for her and Frank.
One day, when we were told he had very little time left, Mum asked me to call. When she answered Skype I knew she was in her bedroom. I felt so scared. I had not seen Frank since he was hospitalised. Mum moved the camera to Frank. It was such a shock. He was sleeping and looked so so peaceful but very different to the Frank I knew. Mum said that I could talk to Frank, and so I started to tell him all the things I wanted to say to him. I found it so hard to get all the words out, crying with every breath, but he was responding to my voice. He heard me. I am glad I had the opportunity to speak to him one last time. I was battling with myself as to whether I should see him or not, whether to keep the memory of Frank in my head that I had, before he physically changed so much. I am glad Mum gave me the opportunity. I thank God for technology that brought me closer to home.
Frank passed away at 8.30pm on Friday 27th July. It was very peaceful, surrounded by my Mum, two of my sisters and my nieces. It was so sad for us as a family when he died, but also a relief that he was no longer suffering. My heart had felt heavy for such a long time, and I thought I could cry no more tears. Frank was a beautiful person to have had in my life. I hold onto my spiritual belief that I know he is still with us. Although he is physically not here, his being is imprinted in my memory, his soul lives on. My good friend Lindsay sent me this quote after Frank passed. You all know by now my love for the hummingbird. So I will leave you with this quote, and wish you all love, peace and happiness in the world.
