Anon for a friend

Life sometimes appears to pass us by so quickly, a whirlwind scoops us up and spits us out.  We are confused and dazed as to how time has slipped through our hands.  A feeling of emptiness engulfs us as the colours of the seasons flash before us and the cruel winter envelops us, permeating our bodies, freezing our souls and hearts.  The cold lingers, it gets into our bones and negative emotions amplify tenfold.  But hold on! Spring is around the corner.  She will warm our bodies and defrost our souls and hearts.  She will fight the cold and be victorious.  

We must learn to grab hold of time, to slow it down by appreciating life, in spite of how cruel as she can be sometimes.  We have a lot to be thankful for, we just need to search our hearts.  We must learn to embrace the good and the bad.  For when the bad can not get any worse, the good is lingering on the horizon, like a rainbow waiting to burst its colours all over our being.

So dry your eyes.  Let go of your fears.  Let all of the negativity leave your body, pour her back into the ground and let the earth´s crust swallow her whole.  Breathe in hope and love.  Shine like a beacon.  You have the power over your own destiny.  You will be victorious!  Hope.  We must have hope.  She is personified in the people that love us.  There are people that love you.  Remember, always, that there are people that love you.  

Margarita

Having worked at the soup kitchen for various weeks now, I have come to have a great amount of affection for one of the ladies there.  She has the same name as my grandmother (I am a great believer in coincidences).  She is 79 years old and has been working at the kitchen for several years making the lunches.

We have a great time talking together while we prepare the food.  I do as I am told as I have learned two things here in Chile.  One is to never talk politics, and two is to never try and take over a woman´s kitchen.  So I do as I am told while she spills the milk and hot water goes everywhere, and I slip in seasoning to the stock to make it more tasty while she isn´t looking.

She is a typical Chilean woman of her generation.  Bleach is king and she keeps everything tidy as she goes along, I on the other hand am used to working amongst pots pans and barely any space on the sideboard.  Margarita has taught me many things, but three of them stick out as a must have piece of advice for clean living.  You must always keep your bedroom tidy, as you sleep there and must breathe in fresh air.  You must always keep the kitchen tidy as you prepare food there that will go into your stomach.  You must always keep your bathroom clean, and always have soap, and you must rinse the soap afterwards to keep it clean in the soap dish.  Ah I feel like I am a youth again, learning things that I somehow should have learned before.

Margarita has told me the story of her life, and it makes me nostalgic.  It takes me back to sitting in my grandmother Margaret´s house as she repeated stories of her sad, but sometimes fun childhood.  Margarita is like many of the older people that come to the soup kitchen for lunch.  They often have no family and rent rooms as that is all they can afford.  They have had a tough life, especially having lived under the shadow of dictatorship during the 70s and 80s.  Margarita came from a more wealthy background, but due to cancer, she had to sell her house for treatment and was left with nothing.  Although she told me she prayed to God for her health, and she overcame the cancer and is now a spritely, joyous lady about to turn 80, in spite of having nothing material wise and no family left in Chile.

Stories like hers hurt my heart.  She is one of many with the same story here.  I have to admit the first time I came back from the kitchen I wept into Mauricio´s shoulder at the thought of these old people being left alone.  Life really seems so unfair at times and it really broke my heart.  It also made me very grateful for everything I have.  A roof over my head, a partner that loves me and looks after me, a family that loves me that I left behind in England.  It also reinforces and strengthens my feeling every day that money just does not have the value that people have seem to put on it.  It is just not on my list of priorities at all.  O.K. I am blessed that I have a place to live and food to eat, but I don´t have luxuries, and I have never wanted or needed them.  

These old people, although they have little, come to the kitchen happy and leave happy.  I take time to hug each one of them, to ask how they are, to give them a bit of affection.  To put all my love in trying to make them a tasty meal.  With every week that I go there, it eases my sorrow about their situation, by knowing that I am trying to give the best of me to them.  As for Margarita I am learning new things with her every day.  Destiny has guided me into her path.  She is just like the grandmother I love and miss in England and I embrace every moment with her.

It´s that time of year again!

I can´t believe that we are approaching December fast.  That means Christmas is just around the corner.  I am glad I am in Chile for this time of year.  Although it is strange, not having snow on the ground, or at least cold weather, I can escape the commercialisation which has ruined the true meaning of Christmas.

The birth of Christ is obviously where it all began, and the 25th December is an important date for Christians worldwide, but I think over the years we have lost the sense of the family get together and the importance of family and that is also a great shame for me.

Too many people worry about what to buy, worrying about getting in debt to be able to give what they think other people ´need.´  All this for one day which crashes down into such an anti-climax after the fact.  What happened to the times when families came together to spend time with one another, and to enjoy the moment in each other´s company?

This year I will be receiving my mum for Christmas.  She has had a desperately sad and difficult time with the loss of her partner, Frank, and so I want to make it the most special time for her.  We won´t be thinking so much about gifts, but more about quality of time together and I will be taking her to places in this beautiful country I am living in.  I will be sharing with her our little love nest in Laguna Verde, with all our blessed trees, flowers, animals and magical hummingbirds.  

We have our wedding celebration to look forward to where we will be surrounded by Mauricio´s family, whom I consider to be as much as my family too, and I will embrace tightly this precious moment of sharing a day together with this inspirational, selfless and loving person that is my mother.  So while children rip open their presents and squeal with delight or scream in horror because they have or have not been given the latest gadget, I will be hugging my Mum, and will be giving and receiving the best and most priceless present of all. LOVE. 

This beautiful, blessed place of mine...

Yesterday, one of the hens gave birth to seven chicks.  It was yet another blessing for our beautiful place in Laguna Verde.  It got me thinking that our home is so full of life.  I remembered fondly the birth of Blanquita the goat, and her pure white fur, a sign for me that everything was moving in the right direction as we celebrated the roof of our house being completed.   I remembered the birth of the goslings and how they waddled in unison, their mothers hissing loudly as they protected them.  I remembered bringing our dogs, Segundo and Clara as pups in boxes to this house.  They have grown up so much since and have turned into very loyal and loving dogs.  

As I remembered the past, I cherished the present.  I listened to the sound of the rain as it hit the tin roof.  I listened to the frogs as they croaked by the side of the pool.  I looked at our garden in bloom.  The olive, walnut, avocado, artichoke, plum and quince trees in blossom.  I looked upon the flowers in the garden, and the bees buzzing as they pollunated each one.  The cycle of life was so present and unfolding before my eyes.  This is my paradise.  I feel so lucky to experience the divine beauty of this world, the rolling hills beyond the house, the snow capped Andes glistening in the distance, and the sea as she crashes against the cliffs. 

While the signs of this life are evident in our parcela in Laguna Verde, other realms are not so far away.  The hummingbirds bring us news of our dearly departed and enable us to keep our loved ones close to our heart.    It is here that I feel such an overwhelming sense of love, peace and belonging.  It is here where I hope that ones not yet born will share all of this wealth and abundance of exquisite nature which money can not buy, in this beatiful, blessed place of mine.

Where is home?

I returned ´home´ for a few weeks to help Mum out after the loss of our beloved Frank, and her hystorectomy operation.  First going to Bristol to stay with my twin Charlotte I made the most of catching up on snuggles with my nephews.  Boy had I missed them.  I thought I was going to shove my face with Cadbury´s chocolate and Walker´s crisps, but after seeing the diminished and pathetic size of a Twirl which I shoved in one go and the peppery taste of Prawn Cocktail crisps, I gave up on British food.  Well I suppose you can not call Cadbury´s British anymore after it has been bastardised by Kraft.  (No offense intended to our friends accross the pond, jut sick of corporate greed and the disappearance of a British tradition).

 But I had a strange sense of not belonging when I was back in Britain.  I had been only gone for a year but it just didn´t seem like home.  It was great to catch up with friends who made special efforts to see me, but my England just wasn´t mine anymore.  We went back to Northamptonshire, which Mum was dreading.  The grass was long and needed cutting.  There were so many letters to sort out.  Bills to transfer.  Frank´s clothes needed folding away in the wardrobe.  That was probably the hardest thing I had to do when I was there.  Mum has to slowly learn to live on her own again and we had many days of tears and sorrow.

My niece Georgia had her wedding.  I cried through almost every hymn.  Probably because I could not make it to Frank´s funeral, and it was like my personal send off for him, but also because I sensed such an overwhelming feeling of love and peace at that time as two hundred people sang the most beautiful songs.  I think it closed a chapter for me.  While I have cried since, I am more at peace in my heart with the loss of Frank.

I missed my Mauricio so much when I was in England.  This trip made me realize even more than before how much I love him.  As one chapter closed, we would be opening another, with our wedding in December and trying to start our own family.  As the plane crossed the Andes, it felt like I was truly coming home.  To the place where I felt so out of place and lost a year ago.  My emotional compass finally restored.  My heart settled in my Chile.

Going to the chapel (Laguna Verde) and we're gonna...

I'm not really a girly girl, I have never dreamt about a big white wedding, probably because I never thought I would meet anyone I would want to share the rest of my life with.  I thought I would be a singleton forever.  Mauricio Escobar Fernández changed my life forever.  I never looked at him as boyfriend material in the beginning.  I was not attracted to him at all.  We were just friends.  But like most Chilean men, he liked the chase and spent almost a year wooing me with poetry and beautiful stories.  God that sounds so cheesy and the sort of scenario I would have stuck two fingers down my throat hearing about before.

It did take a good year for me to come round to Mauricio.  He was not my type physically at all, but his inner beauty permeated his outer shell and I slowly began to fall in love.  I am now deeply in love with my love and I can't imagine a single day without him.  He is the complete opposite of me.  I am very relaxed and walk around with my head in the clouds, he is serious and very focused.  Maybe that is why we fuse so well together.  Although he thinks he is macho and likes to portray that to other people, he has a very soft centre and is extremely loving and affectionate.  

We have talked about marriage for some time, but we do not have the funds to have a big party or go on an expensive honeymoon.  Mauricio has never seen the logic in spending so much money on one day when we have so many other things to save up for.  Then it occured to me.  Why not use our beautiful place in Laguna Verde to have a ceremony?  Our closest family on Mauricio's side and my Mum will be there and we will make the place look beautiful.  I am thinking flowers and bunting and our dogs will wear ties and bows.  Seriously!  O.K. it is not the big white wedding which most girls dream of, however it will be in our special place by the house that we conceived together with all our love.  I hope the hummingbirds grace us with their presence.  Now that would be perfection.

♥22nd December 2012...12.30pm...Hummingbird House, Laguna Verde...two hearts will become one♥

Life and Death

These past few months have made me think a lot about life and death.  For me these two words are the ultimate dichotomy.  I am trying to embrace one, but I fear the other.  My cultural make up has shielded me from considering it.  Why are we not more open about death?  Why is it such a taboo subject? In the past I have tried to avoid thinking about it, but these recent months have planted its presence in my mind.  

Before, death was black and dark and cold.  My heart skipped beats pondering it.  Facing the reality of it through the death of a loved one has calmed my fears.  Now it is white and light and warm.  In the moment flickering from life to death you can hear the hum of the hummingbird and the changing colours of its breast.  You can hold onto its wing as it takes you from this life to the next.

Life really is precious.  Death makes you realize that.  I look at my life and feel very grateful for what I have and the family that I have been blessed with.  We are here for such a short space of time on earth so I believe you should make the most of it.  Spend more time trying to make yourself and other people happy.  Try and avoid criticising or emotionally hurting people.  Love others.  Always love others.  Hold onto your beliefs.  Through death we may be physically separated from our loved ones, but spiritully never.  Open your ears and mind to the hummingbirds!

My grieving journey...

These past few months have been difficult for me, being so far away while Frank was in hospital and not being able to be with Mum when he passed away.  I know the grieving process is not the same for everyone, but I wanted to share some of my feelings during this difficult time in the hope it may help someone else.  Communication for me has been the key to getting through this and sharing experiences with people who have been through the same thing has been the best way of trying to cope with all the emotional pain.

When we first learned of Frank's prostrate cancer, I think I was in denial for a long time.  I had read information on the internet about this type of cancer, and the prognosis was good.  Being here in Chile meant that some days I could escape from the reality.  It wasn't until Frank was hospitalised and put into ICU that the stage of my grief changed.  Unfortunately Frank developed an infection and in this time the cancer became aggressive.  It suddenly hit me that this was very real and it did not look good.

During his few months of hopsitalisation I was in bits.  Frank did not deserve this.  I was crying most days, not just for Frank, but also for my Mum.  To think of my Mum watching her soul mate deteriorate was the worst feeling ever.  So I was not just grieving for Frank, but also grieving for Mum's situation.  Luckily I had Mauricio who was a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen to me, and he answered all my questions.  Mauricio's Father and Brother in Law also passed from cancer.  He responded to all my questions, no matter how personal they were and he dried all my tears.  Although this helped me immensely by getting all my feelings out, Mauricio told me that I had to go through this grieving process and nothing would stop that.  I was not sure I was strong enough to face this roller coaster of emotions.  But I was not alone.  I had periods of feeling anger, why was this happening? I was not ready for Frank to go yet.  I also felt periods of guilt for not being there with my family to support them at this time.  

When it was decided that Frank was moved to hospice, I felt a sense of relief.  At this stage I also felt deeply sad because I knew Frank was very poorly and his time was now limited.  The care in hospice is known to be amazing and the Macmillan nurses were a Godsend.  While I looked at their website and saw where Frank would be staying, I just said to myself: "God, those people are angels."  To be able to care for another human being in their final days, making their passing to the next life as dignified as possible is awe inspiring.  What a precious thing to do for someone.  Frank was finally transferred home.  He was weak and was asleep a lot of the time.  I phoned Mum as much as I could to let her know I was there and praying for her and Frank.  

One day, when we were told he had very little time left, Mum asked me to call.  When she answered Skype I knew she was in her bedroom.  I felt so scared.  I had not seen Frank since he was hospitalised.  Mum moved the camera to Frank.  It was such a shock.  He was sleeping and looked so so peaceful but very different to the Frank I knew.  Mum said that I could talk to Frank, and so I started to tell him all the things I wanted to say to him.  I found it so hard to get all the words out, crying with every breath, but he was responding to my voice.  He heard me.  I am glad I had the opportunity to speak to him one last time.  I was battling with myself as to whether I should see him or not, whether to keep the memory of Frank in my head that I had, before he physically changed so much.  I am glad Mum gave me the opportunity.  I thank God for technology that brought me closer to home.

Frank passed away at 8.30pm on Friday 27th July.  It was very peaceful, surrounded by my Mum, two of my sisters and my nieces.  It was so sad for us as a family when he died, but also a relief that he was no longer suffering.  My heart had felt heavy for such a long time, and I thought I could cry no more tears.  Frank was a beautiful person to have had in my life.  I hold onto my spiritual belief that I know he is still with us.  Although he is physically not here, his being is imprinted in my memory, his soul lives on.  My good friend Lindsay sent me this quote after Frank passed.  You all know by now my love for the hummingbird.  So I will leave you with this quote, and wish you all love, peace and happiness in the world.  

'Legends say that the hummingbirds float free of time, carrying our hopes for love,joy and celebration. the hummingbird's delicate grace reminds us that life is rich, beauty is everywhere , every personal connection has meaning and that laughter is life's sweetest creation.'

Dear Frank...

Dear Frank,

I have cried so many tears for you, it breaks my heart to think of you going through this.  Today was very bittersweet for me.  It was both painful and a relief to see you today.  I confronted my worst fear, seeing you via Skype after so much time.  You have changed so much, but you looked so peaceful.  I got the chance to tell you I loved you.  That we have happy memories together.  That the house Mauricio and I are building here is for you.  That the hummingbirds visit us.  That they are messengers for those who are no longer with us.  That when they come here, I will know you are also here with us.  My heart hurts knowing that you have little time left with us here in this plain.  We will always love you and keep you in our hearts.  Thank you for loving and caring for my mum.  Thank you for being a part of my life.  

Love. Always. from Kate x

Our first sessions with the children of Maria Teresa School

So Mauricio asked for the worst behaved children in the school for our group project.  We want to take the children to places of cultural interest where they might not normally be able to visit due to their socio-ecomic status.  Can you imagine not being able to go to the museum, art gallery or theatre because you can not afford it?  That really is unfair.  We don't choose what class we are born into and in my humble opinion, everyone should have access to these simple things.  These children come from very poor homes and often immigrant families where they all live in just one room.  They are often exposed to violence and abuse.

With this in mind, Mauricio and I have decided to make this our project, to expose the children to the cultural greats and give them different environments to learn in.  So our first classes are about preparing the children to behave inside the classroom so that they can behave in society.  The first week we had almost an entire session of hitting and name calling (not Mauricio and I), but fifteen children!  I looked at Mauricio with 'what have we let ourselves in for' eyes.  He whispered to me that the children have to learn to quieten themselves, that they have to learn to listen.  Ah, the words of the psycholgist!  For fifty minutes it was  pure chaos.  But all of a sudden, the shouting and screaming stopped when they realised what was required of them.  They began to listen to one another and also to what we had to say.  Result.

The second class was a lot more productive, and we only got a few minutes of hitting each other and I think I only heard one child call another tit face.  I mean I don't know how I kept a straight face on that one, but this time they were a lot better at listening and we are already planning our first visit to an interactive museum.  It is so rewarding to be able to spend time with these children.  I don't think they are bad children at all.  Some of them have just had a bad start in life, and they all deserve a chance.   So we will show them understanding and love in hope that they will grow and gain from this experience we are offering them.

Untitled

My mum's partner Frank is hospitalised with a rare form of cancer.  It has been such a rollercoaster ride for her the past few months.  Can you imagine the love of your life in a hospital bed, bad days where he gets confused and doesn't eat, and better days where he has the strength to sit up, smile and chat.  Heartbreaking.  And I am not the one living this experience.  My mum is.  She is breaking inside.  Trying to be strong around her family.  But sometimes it gets the better of her and she cries uncontrollably.  And that is O.K.  I am glad she feels comfortable to be able to show her emotions to me.  But we are separated by thousands of miles, mountains and the ocean.  It is hard.  I want to hold her.  I feel guilty for not being able to.  We have skype.  This makes it slightly easier.  And I will always be there for her.  If she wants someone to be with her while she cries, falls asleep, talks.  Empathy.  That is what I try to have for her.  I try to put myself in her shoes.  I have cried it all out.  I thought I could cry no more.  Then I cry again.  I imagine it to be a million times worse for her living this daily experience.  This is the story for many people.  Mum you are not alone in this.  I am here for you.  Many people are here for you.  You are loved.  Frank is loved.  That is what is important.  That is what matters.  I am not with you physically, but spiritually always.  I will be holding your hand every step of the way.

My other wonderful nan

Since I posted on my mother's mum, I think it only fair to share a story of my father's mum, who is also an amazingly beautiful woman, 89 years young.  I think their longevity bodes well for the female members of the family.  We sometimes forget what women of their generation went through with the war, and without any benefits to help them out economically, how difficult it was to raise a family.

My nan had a tough childhood.  By thirteen she had lost both her parents, her father, who broke his back, and her mother who died of cancer.  Her very old grandmother decided to take in the four orphans, in spite of the fact that many people told her not to.  Her grandmother ensured the siblings were not separated, because in those days, no one was interested in taking girls in.  Many people offered to adopt and help out, but only where the two boys were concerned.  They all lived (the five of them) in a one bedroom cottage in Top End, Pytchley.

My nan has many wonderful tales which she relates to us when we go and visit.  Like the time that she placed a wind up toy in her sister's hair, that wound round and round until it became tangled to the root and had to be cut free with scissors.  Or the fact that she could only play just outside the window where her grandmother could see her.  A few years later the war would change their lives forever, it disrupted their innocence and forced them to grow up quicker than they should have.

Three of the siblings helped with the war effort.  My great uncle fought in the army, my nan and her sister joined the Women's Royal Air Force on the barrage baloons.  My nan worked in London and Southampton, raising the baloons in an attempt to protect our country from enemy planes.  In a twist of fate, one day some tanks drove past where my nan was working.  It was my great uncle's regiment, and she saw him for the first time in a while, waving at her before he went to war.  That summer my great uncle's tank was blown up in Caen, France.  He died so young, aged 22.  Such a bittersweet memory, to have been able to see her brother's face for the last time.

Shortly thereafter my nan's grandmother passed away.  It was the end of an era, and still a young lady herself at 20 years old, she had lost her parents, her brother and her dear grandmother.  I think this tough life drew her even closer to her remaining brother and sister.  Unfortunately I am sure it is a similar story to many of their generation.  I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like to live life as her during her early years, but  it certainly has made her the beautiful lady she is today.  She is a kind and very strong woman.  Both my nan's have taught me to be proud of my roots and have shaped the person  I am. With strong morals, loving, family oriented, and selfless, they are everything I aspire to be.

My nan

My nan is the most amazing soul, 91 years old!! She has been telling us for years that a gypsy told her she would live to be 100, and I think that keeps her going.  My nan suffers from Alzheimers.  I think we always knew she had memory issues, and was very unconventional in her child caring style.  For example, the time when we stayed with her for two weeks, my twin and I were eight, and my older sisters thirteen and fourteen.  She used to let us out on a school night until midnight, then we tucked into fish fingers and chips on our return.  I also remember the time she cut our fringes with carpet scissors, unfortunately the zig zag fringe never took off.  I think my mum nearly had a heart attack when she saw us.  Her two dolls, whose hair she lovingly plaited and styled asymetrically as to be the mirror image of the other.  Our long satin locks ruined!!

The main comfort I receive from my nan's illness is the fact that it has transformed her into a child.  She has no inhibitions at all, going for a widdle with the door wide open, passing wind like anyones business.   She is having the time of her life.  She does not seem to have a care in the world.  She loves trifle, and she will say she is not hungry because she does not want to finish her greens, but there is always room for trifle.  When she sees her favourite treat, her eyes illuminate, with the widest smile on her face.  She is very happy.  Trifle makes her happy.

The most curious thing about alzheimers, is that while it erases recent memory, it does not erase long term memory.  My nan still tells us about so and so who took her bingo winnings from her in 1964, or the time her uncle shot her in the head (by accident of course) when she was a young girl.  She lived to tell the tale.  The most magical thing is the way my nan tells the story of her one and only true love, my Grandad, who I never got to meet.  He was the most marvellous man, who lived for his family and was a pillar of the community.  The love letters they exchanged during the war are a family treasure.  I think her alzheimers sometimes makes her forget he is gone and some days she relives those loving moments with my grandad, like he was still here.  

The most important thing that I have learned from my nan is to be happy...always.  Embrace life and enjoy it through the eyes of a child.  Nan, I love you with all my heart and soul, you are an amazing woman and God truly blessed us by allowing us to be part of your family.

The green green grass of home.

A friend posted a picture on Facebook today.  It brought me an immense sensation of nostalgia, so much so that I could feel and smell my England.  The windows wound down on my car on a rare hot summer day, the sun on my face, the narrow windy roads.  Bluebells and swallows, the grass recently mown, the beautiful colours of gold and green of the English countryside.  All these things enveloped me in a warm embrace.  It really made me miss my home.  

I remembered my days as a child in the countryside, a jam sandwich and bottle of juice in hand and off I went for the whole day with my sisters and friends, exploring fields, barns and spinneys, and getting into all sorts of mischief.   Now I am here, in Chile.  

It is turning cold in Santiago now and it rained all weekend.  Yes I still have the mountains, and the Virgin aglow on top of San Cristobal hill.  She looks down on me and protects me during these darker days, giving me a sense of comfort, but England will always be my home.  And when I want to go back, with one glance of a photo, I can.  With my eyes wide shut, I am back there again, in pastures old, my green green grass of home.

Monogamous Condor

I have recently learned a rather tragic fact, which sounds like it has been taken straight from a Shakespeare tale.  You see the male Condor will only ever have one partner, and if she dies, he will soar around in circles, heartbroken, until he runs out of oxygen, and falls from the skies to his death.  The female on the other hand has no qualms about finding another mate if the male partner dies first  - well what do you think about that?

Mother

Her pure white skin like virgin snow,
Her hair so dark like winter's night,
Her heart, warm and enveloping like summer's breeze,
Her beauty divine that doth man behold.

Her radiance, illuminating like the light of the moon,
Her love, eternal, like time stood still,
Her soul, incandescent like hummingbird's glow,
Her aroma of orchid and magnolia tree.

Her image, in the layers of my memory imprinted,
My love for her stronger with every heartbeat,
This amazing woman that doth grace God's earth,
My mother, all that I want, wish, and hope to be.

A blessing for our new house.

Sunday arrived and we were making the last minute preparations for the inauguration of our new house.  This is a tradition here in Chile, to ask for blessings and luck for our new home as the roof of the house is constructed.  We were also taking care of the maintenance of the grounds, as the work never stops in Laguna Verde.  All our trees and plants need care, the animals need bathing and feeding.  As I was watering the avocado trees, Olimpia, my mother in law shrieked with delight - hurry, hurry, Makita has given birth.

I raced to the stable to witness the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.  There lay on the ground a pure white foal, a new baby for Makita, a sign of blessing of new beginnings for Mauricio and I.  Our new house, where I want to build many happy memories and pour all my love into this blessed place.  Our new life living together, in our home, Hummingbird House.  Small but perfect, and a haven for all our wonderful animals, and in particular, my favourite, the magical hummingbird.  As I swept away the dust in MY house to make room for the barbeque and our guests, and my mother in law joked that I needed to learn how to make my house spotless, I felt truly happy for the first time in Chile, surrounded by the people and animals I love so much.  The only thing missing is my own family, who in time I hope will share this wonderful experience and spiritual place with me.

Season Confusion

It is the beginning of May.  I love this time of year.  The birds are chirping, the lawnmowers are out in force after the April showers.  The mornings are mild and it gets lighter with every evening, but this is in England, and I am in in Chile.  I am in the southern hemisphere and everything is upside down and inside out.

I don't hear so many birds this time of year in Santiago.  There was a huge torrential downpour the other day and I got soaked.  The sprinklers have stopped watering the grass in the evening and I don't hear the lawnmowers anymore.  My brain is trying to adjust and adapt to the changes. Could you think of autumn colours and dark crisp mornings in May?  The leaves have turned orange and have scattered on the floor. ..but this is May?!  Instead of looking forward to our one week of British summer that may happen in June, July or August, and where the top news story is of a heat wave reaching a mighty 30 degrees, I have the propsect of a long cold winter.

With the six month summer behind me, I am flickering in and out of my seasonal affective disorder state...but wait...in England there are no Andes mountains, majestically visible from every neighbourhood in the city.  This time of year they are absolutely stunning with their snow capped peaks.  I first truly fell in love with Chile having being starstruck by their presence while crossing the street.  It was our first encounter and I was well and truly captivated.  Nature's beauty is awe inspiring here.  From deserts to lakes, mountains and seas, Chile has it all.  It is time to embrace it and be well and truly thankful to be living this moment, right here, right now.

It's time to make a difference.

I handed in my proposal for my once a week art class yesterday and have had the go ahead to start next Friday sharing my time and my love of art to these beautiful young children.  Maria Teresa School is a small school in the centre of Santiago, with little resources and children from a poor economic background and often from broken families.

I went to visit the reception year children who crowded round me and embraced me, they were not shy at all.  There is something so special about young children, they have such an powerful and healing energy, it was just what I needed. I then met one of my pupils for the class, Hadi, a nine year old Peruvian girl, who had a nervous quiver in her lip.  My heart just melted.  It just all clicked, right there, right then.  

I thought to myself, fine, it is not a job with an amazing company, it is not what I envisaged for my life here in Chile and it does not pay, but I have the chance to make a difference to these children.  I have the opportunity to give them my love and understanding, to build their confidence and self-esteem and what I will get in return is going to far outweigh any financial reward.

It made me ponder, what are we here for on this earth?  Material gains really are nothing.  What can I bring to the table, what can I give to others?  Even just by changing your attitude you can make a difference.   Since last year I have been following a more spiritual path, trying to be kinder, focusing only on the best in others and attempting to shed myself of negativity. It is not easy trying not to get sucked into this materialistic and selfish world, but being a positive and loving person really is fulfilling and my life is starting to get better.

Prayers for Frank and Mum

Life is so cruel.  We don't know what will hit us from one day to the next.  My heart hurts as I type this, my throat feels heavy.  I just want to cry and cry and cry.  Frank is the partner of my mother.  He has prostrate cancer.  He is waiting on an operation from the NHS to relieve some of the symptoms.  In the meantime he is in pain.  God, life is so unfair.  My mother has so many worries and is exhausted.  My nan has alzheimers, my mother herself is waiting for the date for her own operation.  Why do bad things happen to good people?

In this entry I am asking for all of you to join me in prayer, or if you are not religious, just keep my mum and Frank in your thoughts. 

Archangel Raphael, I ask you to shine your green healing light upon them.  Archangel Michael, as my guardian and loyal friend, I ask you to send them strength, comfort and peace.  Let them know they are not alone.  Let them know how much they are loved.

Amen.

It rained today and I thought of you

It rained today and I thought of you.  The leaves were slippery beneath my feet, the rain smelt good as it permeated the tarmac.  The autumnal colours felt comforting.  In an instant I had left Chile and was with you again.  The boys were laughing as they squelched their wellies in the mud, squeals of delight as they ran in the rain.  I saw your face again, your beautiful soul, I sensed your maternal joy.  Oh how I miss you Charlotte, your words of advice, your warm embrace.  How I would love to hold and kiss my boys.  How much I miss Sebastiaan's sensitivity and Theo's glow.  It is so hard being without you dear, but every now and then, an experience in the present takes me back to memory past.  These wonderful memories I hold in my heart, they can never be erased.   

Although it might not be much, be thankful for what you have got.

Mauricio and I have designed our own little house for construction in Laguna Verde, a coastal town close to Valparaiso.  It is on the same plot of land as Mauricio's mother's house with a spectacular view of the mountains and close to the sea.  We have hired a maestro to make our dream a reality.  Although it will  be very small, we will finally have somewhere to call our own and I am getting excited at the thought of having something which is an amalgamation of our ideas where we can focus our love and energies.  We are going to name it hummingbird house, or casa picaflor, as we are blessed with having these beautiful visitors to our garden.

Our maestro Hugo is doing a cracking job, he lives with his older daughter and her children in Laguna, Verde but is currently staying on site in one of the spare rooms.  Mauricio and I went to drop some things off at his house the other day, and when I arrived my heart sank.  A one roomed cabin on the beach with a kitchen in the open air outside.  With a tear in my eye, I pondered, how could it be that this man is constructing something so beautiful for us, yet he has so little?  I got told by Mauricio's mum that  in his own house he sleeps on the floor as he doesn't have a bed there.  The injustice of it all is just heartbreaking.  Slowly I have got to know him, he is hardworking and extremely talented, but due to his social status he has never had opportunities to flourish.

Due to the beauty of his craft, and thanks to the neighbours that come to have a nose at the work, he has been offered other jobs after he has finished our house.  He has even mentioned that he has plans to build a house for himself.  Such happiness I felt when I heard this.  The message I want people to take from this  entry is that for one, sometimes you just have to give people a chance, and two, feel very lucky for the life that you have got.  There is no welfare here in Chile and little social housing so you have to work to make a living.  Here the Chileans will do anything, from selling fruit and vegetables to cleaning shoes and looking after your car while you go about your business.  Chileans are very proud people and we can learn a lot from them.

O divine hummingbird how magnificent art thee...

 Have you ever held a hummingbird in your hands?  It is the most spiritually uplifiting thing I have ever experienced.  My love for hummingbirds began when I encountered one during my trek to Machu Picchu.  At high altitude there is what I can only describe as a jungle type environment and here was the first time I met with what I consider one of God's most precious creatures.  They are magical.  Breathtakingly stunning is not even a sufficient word to describe them.  I have seen them hover in the trees in Mendoza, Argentina in the midst of summer, and now, I can not believe my luck to tell you that they arrive in our garden in Laguna Verde. 

This beauty came into our house last Sunday.  She, I say she is a she because I have been told that the males have a red breast, was such a sight to behold.  I felt her heart beat, I saw all her beautiful colours.  Her presence made me feel such an elevated feeling of well being and peace.  They say that hummingbirds are a gateway between life and death, messengers from another realm.  I wonder what message this marvellous creature had for me from our dearly departed?  Releasing her back into the wild was a release for me, I let all my worries go, I let them fly away with her into the wind.

Lost in Santiago

I am not physically lost in Santiago, geographically I know where I am.  I live in Providencia, a beautiful neighbourhood in Santiago, Chile, where trees are a plenty and the birds sing sweetly.  It's emotionally that I feel lost and I am unable to navigate my feelings, my inner compass is broke.  I left Bristol, England, at the end of September, leaving everything behind for love: a wonderful family, a job, friends.  I was caught up in a whirlwind following my heart to be with the most wonderful man, my soulmate, but I sometimes question is love enough?

In various stages of my life, I have had moments of panic.  What have I done in my life to be proud of?  What I am here on this earth for?  When I was 21 with no love life, I started crying uncontrollably, would I end up as a spinster and die alone?  At 24, I lamented the fact that I had failed to achieve an amazing career, what was wrong with me?  Why could no one see the potential in me with the same eyes that I saw myself? I have been in Chile for nearly seven months and I have returned to the same question.  I have no job.  I am a housewife.  A nana puertas adentro con ventajas (live in maid with advantages).  This is not what I had imagined for myself.

I have a Masters in Latin American History, I have always excelled in every job role, I just don't seem to fit into the Chilean work environment.  Why doesn't anybody want me?  I feel rejected.  Careers here are very focused: medicine, tourism, psychology, engineering - transferrable skills are not recognised.  While I fret about being at a standstill, and after a deep and meaningful talk with my psychologist boyfriend, I began to realise the problem is me, not Chile.  I have to adjust to Chile, not Chile adjust to me.  I have an opportunity to make the most of what I have got.  I am rediscovering my love of art, and, I am meeting with the director of an underprivelledged school in Santiago to volunteer my services to do art sessions with at risk children.  I hope this works out.  In the meantime I will continue to love my love, enjoy this beautiful environment in which I find myself, and hope to take control of my emotional compass.